Caitríona Ruanes Our Education System

Ruane Who would have thought that playing tennis as a kid and leading a campaign to bring three Paddys home from Columbia wouldn’t be good enough qualifications for a minister for education? Not us, but our combined qualifications are three court summons for pissing in the street and a winning £1 scratch card.

So why is everybody who ever learned how to read giving Ruane so much grief? Leaky McPisshimself from her department has leaked her 11-Plus proposals, so we can exclusively reveal the options she is considering...

Pupils will race each other in sack races and 3 legged races, the winner of which gets a place in the "smart school".
Pupils in P7 will sit a "question paper" where they will get "points" and "points mean places". This in no way bares a resemblance to the 11-Plus and if it does it is entirely co-incidental.
Any kid that can piss higher than the urinal gets straight into big school. Girls included.
New 11-Plus replacement will be the “elephant plus”. It’s a new form of mathematics based on animals, kids love animals. Anyone who can't multiply a giraffe by a zebra goes to Thickytown High.
Catholic maintained schools will administer their own test, which will go as follows:
“Can you catch? Can you kick? Yes? You’re in.”
The 11-Plus was too hard so it will be replaced with something a bit easier – GCSE’s.
This year the kids going to the best schools will be those that come up with the best ideas for next year’s 11-plus. Anyone who does really well in the exam might even become minister for education.
Ulster Scots speaking schools will be the only ones receiving funding.
Schools will be taught a new syllabus, based completely around the life of Gerry Adams, including how he discovered the theory of relativity, how he was the first man on the moon, how he single-handedly invented democracy and how his favourite TV show is Bodger and Badger.
All schools will be abolished because they socially disadvantage, disenfranchise and discriminate against people who can’t be arsed going to school.

If you went to a good school and can string a few sentences together, email
2-kool-4-skool@randomshite.co.uk