Boris Johnson's Plans for London

Boris People love Boris Johnson, he is a real man of the people, just as long as the people aren't one of those scummy sorts from Liverpool or Portsmouth, so he's decided to run for Mayor of Londonderry.

He talks like a toff – people love toffs, and he has mad blonde hair, and people really love that too. We caught up with him today while he was out cheating on his wife and found out what his election plans were...

He will run on the slogan, Vote BJ, get BJ.
To minimise future terrorist attacks he will copy Red Ken's congestion charge by introducing a terrorist charge in the city centre. He reckons this will cut terrorism by 40%, or at least confine it to the parts of the city where the scum live.
Will try to buy into Johnson & Johnson, because he wants some Johnson & Johnson & Johnson baby oil action.
He will travel through time and lamp that bitch Catherine Tate for ever going near the TARDIS.
He will ensure that all combs in the CAPITAL are destroyed, with the plastic used to make a big statue of Maggie.
He will introduce mandatory butt plugs for dogs, because poopy shoes make him sad.
When elected Boris plans to travel through London on his bike, and he reserves the right to cycle over any homeless people who may get in his way.
He will tackle tough issues by toughly tackling them in the gonads with a shoulder charge.

If you can think of a bigger goof to be mayor, email
sorry-jim-rodgers-is-busy@randomshite.co.uk