Blue Peter Badgers
We
once sent Blue Peter a collage we had made from sticky back plastic, coloured
paper and dead fish. We called it, "Les Ferdinand goes mental in the
Blue Peter garden." They mustn't have liked it because we never got
badges, so we went on eBay and bought some instead. It turns out a lot
of people are doing that, so Blue Peter have suspended giving out badges.
Intrigued by this we broke into their offices to see just what they were up
to. And to retrieve Les Ferdinand goes mental in the Blue Peter garden,
no badge, no collage you bastards.
We can exclusively reveal that the Blue Peter bigwigs plan to launch a new
system of awards - the Blue Peter Badger. Winners who turn up to
participating venues with their badgers proudly pinned to their chest can
get all sorts of free shit. Rather than having dangerous pins on the
back of them which have destroyed many Sunday church jumpers, special editions
of the new badgers will have hoops on them so the kids can latch them onto
their favourite piercing.
Special Golden Badgers will be awarded to children who manage to get through
an episode without being traumatised by
Zoë Salmon's accent. Lucky kids
bearing Golden Badgers can get half price tickets at Bangor's Multiplex from
Monday-Thursday before 6pm.
During
our break-in Mavis went for a dump in
the pond while Sadie went for a look into
the dressing rooms. She discovered that the tortoise they pack up in a shoe
box every year is actually plastic and all the dogs featured on the show are small
children who are paid below the minimum wage. In documents we found in the
rooms were requests for events and trips by the presenters over the past few years
which included Mark Currie who wanted to go Proclaimers fan club meetings and
Richard Bacon who suggested going alone on a trip to Columbia. Records
showed these requests weren't granted but John Leslie did get a trip up shit
creek without a paddle. Our own personal records also show him getting a
blow job from Abi Titmus.
What's more we can exclusively unveil that this years Blue Peter campaign will
be an anti litter crusade, encouraging viewers to bring a sense of pride to their
neighbourhoods by sending in as many used needles and condoms as they can
find. When they get three tons of the stuff, they're gonna ship it all to
Romania where it'll be used as bedding for orphans.
There are also rumours of a late night version of the show, possibly called Blue
Blue Peter, or Blew Peter, much like Hollyoaks have done with their late night
show where the fine beatches get their norks out.
Everyone knows Random Shite lighters are the new Blue Peter badge, so
get your hands on one by emailing us some shite. Present a
Random Shite lighter at your nearest Spar for free entry
heres-one-i-made-earlier@randomshite.co.uk
