Bertie's Big Plans For De North
Now that everyone is mates and Bertie’s handed Paisley a big fuck off gun and a bowl carved
from the remains of King Billy’s old piss-pot, de teashuck has decided to try his hands at
a bit of Nordie politics. If Billy Armstrong can get elected, surely it can’t be that
hard?
From our secret base in an Abrekebabra on O’Connell Street we launched a raid
on Bertie’s offices and among the shedders and stacks of envelopes we found his plans:
- A corporate box in Páirc an Chrócaigh for Big Ian.
- As an act of outreach to loyalists, Bertie will decommission Willie O'Dea's moustache.
- He’ll change Monster Munch from Walkers back to Smiths – the way it fucking should be.
- His own Cumann will be renamed The Ian Óg Cumann.
- Eamon Dunphy will present Let’s Talk. Mark Carruthers can fuck off.
- Bertie has further plans to organise Fianna Fáil in North Korea, Northern Cyprus, the North Pole, the Northern Mariana Islands and Northern Rhodesia (in his own words, "fuck Zambia").
- He has told Mark Durkan that he won’t be any trouble to him or the SDLP. That’s Attwood’s job
He realises that there are a number of politically sensitive maters in the north at the moment, and
he does not want to be seen to interfere with due process. Big developments such as the stadium
at the Maze and Giant’s Causeway are controversial enough without the potential for pointing fingers
following the Mahon Tribunal, so Bertie has indicated that he will stay clear at this stage. Of
course if some developers were to accidentally leave some envelopes at Bertie’s office, then
he could accidentally have an informal chat with a few people.
Due to her UK passport, Sadie doesn’t understand half those bullet points, although according to
Google, Willie does indeed have a fine ‘tache. Email brown envelopes to
hookers-slush-fund@randomshite.co.uk
