Battle of the Boyne

The battle of the Boyne.  Not so much a battle actually, but the result of what happened when two rivals' horses started to suck each other off as it snowed in July.  Orangemen aren't adverse to spinning a tale or two.  William of Orange never wore orange, he thought it was a "stupid colour for fruit and fruits. "  He wore beige with green trim, but William of Beige with Green Trim isn't as catchy and besides the sashes came in bulk at a really good price.

The whole fight was a bit of a family feud anyway.  King James was both Billy's uncle and his father-in-law, these days that sort of thing gets sorted out on Jerry Springer.  Billy was sure Jimmy was really a transvestite and thus unsuitable for the throne and his penchant for frilly knickers didn't help matters.

It actually happened on the 1st of July as well.  No point having it on the twelfth, nothing gets done about here around the twelfth.  When the battle was won, King William gathered his troops and proclaimed, "From this day forward let us gather timber and tyres and burn them.  Stack them tall and burn them all!  For the council shall tidy thy mess."  After that he cracked open a packet of Jaffa Cakes and threw them to the cheering crowd.

King James and his men, however, were none too pleased with the outcome.  They took a hissy fit and staged a sit down protest in the middle of the field, King James proclaiming, "From hence forth on the 12th of July, thou shalt not get home in time for Emmerdale!!"

More information on the day's events can be found on any good gable wall.
This fair and accurate account of events was brought
to you courtesy of the good people at McVities.