Autumn Olympics
So the Winter Olympics have started, probably the last one before Global Warming and Al Gore melt everything. They should bring
Eddie the Eagle and those guys from Cool Runnings back, because they were the only reason anyone has a clue about the Winter Olympics' existence.
So after the inevitable demise of the Winter O's the IOC is going to have to dream up a whole new set of made up fake sports for the replacement
Autumn Olympics. At least this time the Maze might have a chance of winning.
The following "sports" are expected to be announced in the coming years:
Potato Picking
The "athlete" who fills the most crates in half an hour gets a gold medal and £2 per crate... or whatever the going rate is...
Triathlon
Competitors have to race against each other as they: Go to the off license to buy some beer using lose change; Open and drink a can of beer;
And then take a piss – all while wearing thick gloves.
Leaf Kicking
Forget snowboarding – this EXTREME!! sport is what all the hip, pot smoking kids will be up to in the future. There will be a
lucrative market for leaf-kicking footwear, leaf kicking inspired mock-punk music and leaf kicking sex groupies.
Conkers
Not just any old conkers, no, once the IOC gets hold of this it will be a steroid fuelled, wind tunnel tested, carbon fibre, wholly
illogical, conker fuckarama. Perfect for American TV in other words.
Coatball
This game doesn't really involve a ball, but tests the athletes' ability to correctly decide whether to take a coat or not based upon one 5
second glance between the curtains.
Badger Watching
This sport has a points based system where competitors must compete against badgers in a timed stare-out. Points are gained for
stare length, points are lost for contracting TB. Britain is hoping to do well in this event as sources say Bill Oddie hasn't blinked for 4 days.
Trenchfoot
A follow on from the game of Leaf Kicking, usually played in the later part of the games, competitors must dodge deep puddles covered by
leaves on an assault course that Gordon from the Krypton Factor designed, minus the switchblades. From the semi-final stage the leaves
will also conceal dog turds.
Dressage
No, this is stupid, we've gone too far, the public will never accept this horse-dancing tomfoolery as a sport.
Underwater Exploding Cement Mixer Eating
There, that's more sensible.
If you'd like to take part, email
your-arse-will-never-fit-into-that@randomshite.co.uk
