Apple Techy Spunkfest ’08

Jobs This week Steve blowJobs has announced a bumfull of new/rehashed iProducts at the big Apple Techy Spunkfest ’08 event. Whilst nerds around the room were busy jerking off in their Apple branded undercrackers, our Pointless Technology Correspondent, Bob Sickle, jotted down the details of all the shite that was on offer – that’s right JOTTED DOWN, with a pencil and notepad you fruity Blackberry brandishing twats.

iToaster – Unlike your old toaster this one is white! It is also wifi enabled so you can access it from your iPhone to set the toaster timer. Obviously to keep it looking sleek and minimalist, it doesn’t have an actual timer knob, so you’ll always have to hook it up to your iPhone. It has also been designed with American plug sockets in mind, so the UK one will look kind of clunky and cost the same in pounds as it does in dollars.
iKeyboard – This Bluetooth enabled Web 2.0 Wimax keyboard only has the letter “i” but sure it’s the only letter you need.
iCompass – Using WAP enabled 3G Pentium Duo technology, if you get lost in a desert or glacier like Bear Grylls, your iCompass will point you in the direction of the nearest Apple shop, where you can purchase an iPhone to connect to iTunes, purchase the track “Help!” by the Beatles, then email it to a friend to let them know you need help.
iGlasses – In the shape of apples, and with no real function.
iTie – A tie with a phone in it.
iKea – Flat-packed, cheaply produced computer that has no screws included and looks like crap.
iPad – Bluetooth enabled tampons.
iCondom – Specially designed for Apple geeks so they can have a posh wank over all their over-priced consumer products, without getting them covered in jizz.
iJizzMop – For when the iCondom fails.
iRug – To most people something they might put on the floor, to Catriona Ruane, an item of clothing.
iOdine – mp3 playing version of everyone’s favourite chemical element.
iWindows – Windows, but with an i in front of it, Bill Gates is shitting himself, but that’s because his sphincter is bust.
i i Captain – Stereotypical ship’s first mate. Comes with iScurvey, designed by Apple in California, built on the cheap in China.
iCrap – Shitting as normal, but with a skip function for when you aren’t enjoying it.
iApple – Like most other apples except white, they’re marketing the fuck out of this one, selling it at twice the price of a normal apple, Bono has wrote a song about it and when you’ve all got nice new white iApples, they’re selling black ones.

By the way, Apple has now completed the purchase of the rights to the letter “i” from Disney, and also the movie The Little Mermaid, that gal was half fish!! Craaazzzeee!
iSteve-iJobs-ican-islurp-imy-ifucking-ihoop@randomshite.co.uk