An Open Letter To Hollyoaks

Dear Hollyoaks People,

We have been watchers of your wacky show for many a year now.  We've enjoyed the ups and downs, the ins and outs, the recycled storylines, the storylines that end with no reason or outcome, the pointless yet welcome nudity and even the fact that every time you introduce a character from Northern Ireland they are a total fruit basket.  In fact this year's Hollyoaks calendar has even usurped Busted's seminal 2005 calendar as our favourite of all time.

However, your show has become unwatchable due to one person - Grotbags over there.   Please rid our televisions of this loathsome fuck-bitch forthwith.

We understand that you probably have some shows in the can with her milk-souring face already in them, so here's a few suggestions we have to help get her off the TV ASAP.

• Just cut out her scenes and leave them blank.
• Just cut out her scenes and fill them with scenes of Hannah getting her baps out.
• Just cut out every scene and fill the whole show with Hannah getting her baps out.

Thank you for your time, you probably have to get back to looking for old scripts to cut and paste from.

Yours faithfully,