Admiral Nelson

Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves.  Those were the days.  Big ships, big guns, big empire, big up respect to Admiral Nelson!!  When former wrestler, Horatio "Full" Nelson swapped his wrestling tights for sailor tights many people thought he would fail.  The Daily Mail was outraged.  Political correctness gone mad they said.  As if King George raising taxes on the middle classes wasn't bad enough!

Those kebab eating surrender monkeys in the Ottoman Empire had gave up fighting Napoleon, leaving only Blighty to fight the bastard by themselves.  Fucking typical.  Unfortunately right at that time America was real fuckin' pissed with the Brits, throwing tea into sea, declaring independence, that kind of shit, so they wouldn't be coming to help any time soon.  As for Russia, don't get me started on that twat Alexander.  "Blessed" my fat ass!!

Napoleon thought he was all that.  Killing aristocrats (now that really pissed off the Daily Mail) and running around Europe like he owned the place.  That was Britain's job!!  Arrogant git.  A couple of shithouse African countries won't make an empire you fools!!!  I digress.

Someone had to stop him and wasn't going to be William Pitt.  He was too busy bumming King George.  And it wouldn't be Maximus Decimus Meridius, he was a fictional Roman character in a film made two centuries later.  And he was bumming King George.  So round at the palace the lads all played paper, scissors, stone and Nelson got the job.  Having recently commissioned Trafalgar square they decided Trafalgar would be the perfect place for the big naval showdown.  France's ships, Britain's ships, one on one on pay-per-view.  That was Nelson's idea from his wrestling days, though the buy rate was rather disappointing, mainly due to the lack of televisual invention.

In a crazy move, completely unexpected by the French, Nelson had secretly trained dolphins to climb aboard ships, kill the enemy and take control.  He caught the frogs completely off guard with his crazy dolphin shenanigans and won the battle.  However in an unexpected twist one of the dolphins went mad and whacked him with a flipper, killing him dead.  That's why to this day the Royal Navy traditionally never uses dolphins in battle.

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