TV Sucks Balls

TV executives have clearly run out of ideas for new shows and have been bringing back old ones for a while now. They have so many daft channels like “Dave” and “ITVMore3+1” that they’ve begun splicing ideas together like some sort of Benny Hill Frankenstein that gets chased down a shit-pipe by Tim Robbins before he plays bagpipes in a random Belfast pub. Needless to say we have burgled numerous TV channel headquarters and stolen their plans for the autumn line-up:

Ooh Betty – Frank Spencer gets a job in a fashion magazine, in the beginning nobody likes him, in fact no one likes the programme, but Channel 4 will keep plugging it.
The KryptonX Factor – Gordon Burns judges Simon Cowell, Dannii Minogue, Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh as they test their mental and physical abilities. Some events have been replaced, instead of an assault course they now play Mousetrap and Sharon storms off before bucking a stagehand.
Queer As Folks On The Hill – Ian and Marty have grown closer than many expected. Much closer.
UFC Ultimate Ulster – Frank Mitchell tours around market towns across the country looking for fights outside pubs at kicking out time. He also presents the top 10 lay-bys used by sixth formers for ridin’ on Friday nights.
Parkinsons – Michael Parkinson goes on longer than he should.
Ready Steady Cock – A late night show where Ainslie makes the guests sample his sausage.
The Quincy O’clock Show – Daisy Donovan kills Iain Lee but Quincy lets her off because she gives him a blow job.
Crimewatchdog The Bounty Hunter - Nick Ross and Nicky Campbell sit behind a desk in front of a photo fit picture of a bounty hunter who keeps shafting his clients out of large amounts of money. Nothing gets solved. Don't have nightmares about your consumer problems.
The Tom & Jerry Springer show - Fuckwits go on TV to "sort out" their problems, and get blown up by a mouse. Nothing gets solved.
Coronation Street Mate – Davina McCall wanders the cobbles trying to get the likes of Jack Duckworth and Schmichael the dog to buck each other.
Hearts and Minders – Noel Thompson drives around North Down in his Jag doing dodgy deals.

Take our advice, don't watch TV, just watch your old tapes of Hollyoaks.
TV-sucks-balls@randomshite.co.uk